At first I was extremely excited to get my hands dirty with this question. I thought, that's easy! But I must have forgotten the real difficulty in such a question because unlike other questions, this one is more on the sensitive and serious side. Not to mention the controversy that follows it - if the boyfriend can ask for another girl, why can't the girlfriend ask for another guy? Why would the boyfriend or girlfriend want another in the mix anyway? Then self esteem issues get tossed in with some "I'm not good enough for him/her anymore" thoughts...And then it's one big mess.
So now that I REALLY want to answer this (or..not), I should just get on it.
The common denominator in asking for any type of threesome is how much trust, honesty and dedication there is in the standing relationship. Also, how far are you willing to go to fulfill one another's fantasies? In most of my postings you'll notice that confidence and self esteem come up quite often. These two are so important to have loads of while in a relationship. With them, you could possibly request a threesome, a foursome or an orgy! It's all about knowing that your partner only desires to have you but also knowing that we all have fantasies that turn us on.
A good rule of thumb - and this may sound harsh - try asking questions while getting it on. Assuming you turn your partner on so much, they'd want to give you the world if they could at that moment. Try mentioning you'd like for he or she to watch you have sex with another. Guys, if you're interested in having another chic in the room, let her know you'd like to just watch. Even if you know that you'd need to chew on ice to calm yourself down, let her know that you don't need to come in contact with the second girl. You want her to please and be pleased. Talking dirty or making suggestions while being intimate helps getting a point across.
Girls, if you want another guy, this may be a little more difficult. Unless you want your man to be making out and touching the other, most men are uncomfortable with the idea of another guy because they think they'll have to come in contact with them. But in order to bring it up, I would try talking about having another girl around first. Remember the ego you're working with here. He may get extremely offended if you come out point blank asking for another guy this Friday night.
I'm assuming I don't even have to talk about a girl asking for another girl. So if you're a guy who would say no to or has said no to having another girl participate, I beg you to e-mail me and let me know why! And for reasons other than you were uninterested or unattracted to the chosen third party. I'd be very interested to hear about it.
I've mentioned this previously in how to possibly add toys in to your sex life..."accidently" find a porn site online. Especially if you enjoy searching porn together, this is the perfect time. Or bring up a friend of a friend who just recently experienced a threesome. Sometimes hearing about another experience about a couple who is somewhat closely related helps.
An important message to get across and keep in mind is to never let the other feel threatened. We have are hard enough on ourselves as it is: looks, weight, performance. He or she must feel comfortable in knowing that after all is said and done, the extra will be the one to get dressed and leave once everything is finished. And you will NOT be obsessive over it afterwards either. No mentioning it as soon as he or she brushes their teeth. Don't bring it up at the dinner table. Don't constantly ask when it'll happen again.
Now if you two do both agree on making it happen, maybe you'd want to lay down some rules. Who kisses who, who has sex with who, etc. If you're not 100% positive that you will feel comfortable watching your partner be involved in this threesome, DON'T DO IT. And if you're doing it just to hold on to this person, DON'T DO IT.
So yea, this topic is a lot trickier than suggesting a toy to a rookie. If there is a full understanding of each other's needs and wants and desires, I say go for it. If not, it's not the end of the world! Threesomes are only the third most common fantasy among both men and woman. In the world of sex, there are many other doors to open and explore.
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Allright, I wasn't sure if I should offer these little stories about myself, because who really cares? But I think it's also important to understand threesomes as they pertain to a relationship's dynamic.
Threesomes have come up in two of my relationships. In the first, my relationship with the guy was very sexual, very intense. He was also very manipulative, and enjoyed doing things that made me feel jealous. When this partner asked me to be in threesome/orgy, I was immediately against it (especially since he had a list of numbers to call handy if I had agreed). I could not imagine sharing him in bed with someone else- he was the guy who would continue having sex with the third party; or would have picked someone he's already been with. I was extremely uncomfortable with this scenario and so declined his offer. Jealousy and manipulation don't seem to mix well with sexual expirement and relationships.
In the other relationship, the topic came up as it would any other discussion. In this relationship there was enough mutual respect and honesty that this could come up and be adressed, then put away or dealt with as needed. It was I who brought up this idea and it was in the context that I was trying to find what kind of ideas could be used to keep things interesting and new between us, as we had a great deal of passion and understanding for each other and being intimate.
I mentioned to the guy that I always wondered what it would be like to be with a woman; his response was that he would LOVE to watch... but never participate. He would only be comfortable watching because he liked to be involved in one thing at a time. When I adressed being with another man, he said he would again not participate unless I was set on it and even then would feel more comfortable if I request him present but not active. This response was curious to me, and I've always thought about it; but I understand why. For him, the fun would be at first in watching me be with someone else, it would be a tease for him. A test where if he passed he would be able to be rewarded with the ulitmate--- having me to himself.
Neither of these situations ended in threesome. I would never have in the first because I would have felt "played." In the second, well, my interest was primarily in pleasing my partner and fulfilling the bond we had, because I really wanted to be with him- not the third party.
Alternately, now I am single and have considered these things further. For example... what would it be like to engage in a three some with another couple (or two men, or two other strangers not in a relationship, etc)? I would then be the third party and able to walk away with out worrying how my relationship would be affected, and able to try it out for the pure fun and exploration of it.
As for How to ask, this will change for every relationship (or lack there of in the case of three single individuals), and will depend on the dynamics that exist between those involved. Within or without a relationship, a threesome can be very intimidating, even before thinking about the psychological factors Jenn mentioned...
However (!) I firmly believe that for those who are curious, safe expirementation with people you trust could be a great thing and worth the experience.
As always, honesty is the best route. It may be important to remember that if you are in a relationship, it is probably best that you keep your partners character and dignity in mind, both when addressing the topic and while participating in activity.
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